Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
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I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new