My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room