Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
pls suprot
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
translated into Canadian
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Am I having a stroke?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A