My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.