Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
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Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My whole life was a lie.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?