The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
You Might Also Like
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
called in thicc to work this morning
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation