Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”