The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
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While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Ok but actually
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.