I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
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14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive