[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
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Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.