Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
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There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.