I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
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Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Rooting for the overdog
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I have a type: disappointing
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons