If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
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At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
A man of commitment.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.