Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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Yup
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment