When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.