The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
You Might Also Like
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.