*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
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Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
This made me smile…
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
😎 🍻
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain