The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
You Might Also Like
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone