How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
oh shit
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop