A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
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“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I need to get some bricks…
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.