Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.