In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
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today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat