i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
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Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*