[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Usage Guidelines
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.