[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Body by cheese-puffs.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors