Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
You Might Also Like
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Listen if vampires don鈥檛 age or whatever then why aren鈥檛 there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I鈥檓 still in my 40s.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it鈥檚 how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn鈥檛 know anyone so we couldn鈥檛 join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Star Wars Episode 7? What鈥檚 next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 馃槶 yes
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[touring beyonce鈥檚 house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
it鈥檚 dangerous to go alone. take this with you
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.