Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god