Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
You Might Also Like
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.