me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.