January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”