I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Bruh PLEASE
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Risking my life for fun.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?