Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
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“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school