Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Who called it baking and not making love
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.