You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
You Might Also Like
Great acting.. 😂
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
we’re gonna need another temp
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.