fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
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the official breakfast of 2021
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.