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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you