Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Animal poetry
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.