It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Cucumbers Anonymous
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”