tourist season
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Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I am, perchance
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?