#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.