[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
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2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Feels like there should be a middle ground
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!