Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate