Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …