friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Modded the new Gran Turismo
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here