*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Me: Remember, don鈥檛 bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Welcome to your 40s. When you鈥檙e hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Until I had kids I wasn鈥檛 aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
It鈥檚 not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
馃槀馃惥
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Let鈥檚 get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I鈥檓 allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Boss: And what鈥檚 your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won鈥檛 hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You鈥檙e our ideal candidate!