Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Maths meets science
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus