My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??