Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.