My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”