When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore